The Bitter-Sweet Fragrance of Childhood...

Oh how I love to smell my kids. It sounds so strange, but I think most mothers understand what I mean. The smell of their skin, their hair, their clothes, is something I find intoxicating. When I hold them against me I close my eyes and get completely lost in the scent and the feeling of closeness that warms me from my skin straight down to my heart. The love is so intense it is actually painful. My son and I have a little routine where after his bath I hoist him out of the tub all wrapped in his towel, and as I'm drying him off I pull him close, tickle him and tell him in a funny voice, "You little stinker, you stop growing so fast, I mean it you stop that right now!" He tells me in no uncertain terms between giggles and belly laughs that no, he will not stop growing. I know he's right, and the thought creates such a confusing mixture of yearning for past, present and future with a knowledge that as one is gained the other must go never to return. To him it is a fun ritual. He has no idea that as he is lost in the hilarity of the moment I am pulling in the scent of his clean skin as deeply as possible and aching inside to the core of my being. When I cuddle my daughter as close as two can be, I feel that each of us is as lost in the moment as the other one, in complete and utter contentment. We become almost like one, melting into each other, but I know each of us has a completely different set of thoughts swirling through our heads. While she is filled with a sense of security I am struggling with a deep angst at the realization that I cannot stop the hands of time. One day I will not have these moments. True, I will have new and wonderful ones, and for that I am in grateful anticipation. Still, the grief over these moments that keep slipping from my grasp is no less painful. It's all so bitter-sweet....

Nine Years Ago Today...

I was met in the hallway of the Topeka VA hospital by a male nurse whom I had come to know quite well in the weeks prior as I spent every waking moment at my dad's side while he was dying. Every day I would watch his breathing, wondering which would be his last. He was uncomfortable and I knew it, so for his sake I knew the last breath would actually be an act of mercy, but I didn't feel I could emotionally handle seeing the last one and then...no more. I told God and, as always, He heard me. When I got off the elevator that day and began down the hall, there was my nurse friend...I don't recall his name now. He ran to me and said, "He's going now. He just took his last breath." I ran, panicked, into the familiar room with tears already stinging my eyes. There was my sister, beside our mom who was sobbing, "No, I'm not ready! No. No..." I ran to the bedside and grabbed his hand. His chest was still. There was no more waiting with my own breath held until he could catch his. He was gone. I had my CD with me that I had wanted to play and put it into the player the chaplain had brought up a few days prior at my request. I played "This One's With Me" by Newsong. I knew he would be going to Heaven ever since we shared a private moment on the day I found out he was dying. Even though he couldn't hear or speak when I had rushed into that room for the first time and begged the nurse for some way to communicate with him, he did hear me through the device that I held against his temple. He did say yes when I asked him if Jesus was his Savior. He did say yes when I asked if he would see Him soon in Heaven. The days that passed after that were like waves crashing, with him in and out of consciousness and constantly confused. He knew I was there though and wouldn't let anyone but me feed him or help him drink most of the time. After the turbulent relationship we had all my life, let me tell you, that was quite an honor. One night as I was sitting with him he was not responsive and had been sleeping deeply for quite some time that day. I suddenly heard him making noises that at first I couldn't make out. I thought maybe he was coming to again so I rushed to his side. He was looking through me, his eyes open but completely unaware of my presence and I began to make out a pattern to his mumblings. He was humming "Amazing Grace". I still sob when I think of that precious moment, just as I am right now. Just as I do every time I hear that song.
He passed away on May Day, and I remember leaving the hospital with such an emptiness deep inside seeing all the flowers decorating the hallway. Things were so colorful, but all I remember is gray. The sun was shining outside but it felt intrusive in my time of pain and grief. The day of his funeral however it was pouring down rain. That did not stop those gallant young men from marching and sending off a 21 gun salute in my father's honor. It did not hinder them as they perfectly folded our American flag to be presented to my mother "on behalf of a grateful Nation". And it did not stop Jesus from speaking to my aching heart, telling me, "Child, don't weep. This one's with me".

This One's With Me
by Newsong


I was dreaming about Heaven.
Dreamed I was standing
at the pearly gates.
We were all there
and I was so scared,
standing in the presence
of One so great.


I felt so very unworthy,
I felt like running away
I bowed my head
and I turned to go,
when I heard someone say;


Father, this one's with Me,
part of the family,
one of the reasons
I died on Calvary.
Father welcome him in,
I paid the price for him.
Father, oh Father
this one's with me.


I was dreaming about Heaven.
When I looked up
the gates were open wide;
And in the distance I saw Jesus.
Our eyes met and I began to cry.
Angels robed in their beauty
were there to show me the way.
And all of Heaven was singing
when I heard His voice say,


Father this one's with me,
part of the family,
one of the reasons
I died on Calvary.
Father welcome him in,
I paid the price for him.
Father, oh Father
this one's with me.


Finally we were there face to face,
and He placed on me
Heaven's crown;
And I fell down on my knees
placed the crown at His feet
then He said tenderly,


Father this one's with me,
part of the family,
one of the reasons
I died on Calvary.
Father welcome him in,
I paid the price for him
Father, oh Father
this one's with me.



Romans 10:9 says "if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved."


John 3: 16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."